im back.

much to the dismay of everybody.

actually come to think of the fact that i haven't exactly been blogging for a million years now, i dont think i have anyone even checking back at my blog anymore.

my girlfriend's off to genting!
and im missing her like crap.

i haven't exactly been able to contact her cos her phone's off, and she didn't blog like she promised to so i figured she probably couldnt get a internet connection line over at the hotel.

im missing her so much im like a walking dead soul, i cant sleep i cant eat, and no amount of makeup can cover how i look now.

im getting nothing of her except for the occasional calls she gives me from the payphones. but even so, its only a few seconds call to say hi and bye cos the money cant last that long too.

i woke up this morning, feeling very lost.

i dont even snooze on my bed anymore, i just wake up from my alarm clock. something that i havent been able to do since last year when i finished my olevels.

i went down to singapore poly to do my student card, and they refused to let me take my photo because of my hair color. im in such a damned bad mood nowadays that i just want to stand up and slap the bitch infront of me. but she suggested that i buy a temporary color hair spray to spray it black to just settle the student card photo. i said thanks and i just left the place.

i wanted to call baby when i walked out, but i realised i couldnt.

i dont know what washed over me, my over-dependence on my girlfriend, my sadness about her not being around me everyday, and my anger towards the admin staff of the school.

i walked out of school, i crossed the road and took my bus.

i sat through busstops and busstops and i delibrately missed my stop.

i felt lost, i felt empty.

and even though this is not the first time im saying this, i realised just how important you are in my life.

i sat and sat till i honestly dont know where am i.

i swear if nobody called to save me, i'd have continued sitting buses till the end of the day and cry my eyes out.

my phone rang and it took me a while to process it.

i picked it up, it was lerrick.

she "hello! where are you and kris?"

me "kris is in genting and im on a bus"

she "where you heading to?"

me "nowhere"

and at that point of time i sounded very suicidal and lost. i kept saying i dont know where am i and i dont know what to do.

i think i kind of freaked her out and she told me to get off the bus immediately and go meet her in town. but i kept saying i dont know where i am and i was very lost. she literally had to scream me out of my trance and get me off the bus.

thanks lerrick alot for saving my life. i really wouldnt know what to do because i was so damn lost and gone and i was ready to cry my eyes out.

there are times when you really miss somebody so much that you really dont know what to do. you're lost and for that moment you cant catch back your soul and mind.

i know i shouldn't be too overly dependent on you, but i can't help it.

met up with my ex-tutor and also my very very good friend later in the night. was really great catching up with her as always. im so glad i found a friend in her. :)


hope you enjoyed your day in genting my love. waiting for you to come back soon. :)

Have you ever been hated or discriminated against?
I have, I've been protested and demonstrated against.
Picket signs for my wicked rhymes.
Look at the times.
Sick is the mind of the mother fucking kid that's behind all this commotion.
Emotions run deep as ocean's exploding.
Tempers flaring from parents, just blow 'em off and keep goin.
Not taking nothing from no one, give 'em hell long as I'm breathing.
Keep kickin' ass in the morning, and taking names in the evening.
Leav them with a taste as sour as vinegar in their mouth.
See, they can trigger me but they never figure me out.
Look at me now, I bet ya probably sick of me now.
Ain't you mama, I'ma make you look so ridiculous now.

I'm sorry, Mama. I never meant to hurt you.
I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleanin' out my closet.

I got some skeletons in my closet and I don't know if no one knows it.
So before they thrown me inside my coffin and close it, I'ma expose it.
I'll take you back to 73 before I ever had a multi-platinum sellin' CD.
I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple of months.
My faggot father must have had his panties up in a bunch, cuz he split.
I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye.
No, I don't on second thought, I just fuckin' wished he would die.
I look at Hailie and I couldn't picture leavin' her side.
Even if I hated Kim, I grit my teeth and I'd tryto make it work with her at least for Hailie's sake. I maybe made some mistakes but I'm only human.
But I'm man enough to face them today.
What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb,
but the smartest shit I did was take them bullets out of that gun.
Cuz i'd killed 'em, shit I would have shot Kim and him both.
It's my life, I'd like to welcome y'all to The Eminem Show.

Now I would never dis my own mama just to get recognition.
Take a second to listen for you think this record is dissin,'
But put yourself in my position.
Just try to envision witnessin' your Mama poppin' prescription pills in the kitchen,
bitchin' that someone's always goin' throuh her purse and shits missin.'
Going through public housing systems, victim of Munchausen's syndrome.
My whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't 'til I grew up, now I blew up.
It makes you sick to ya stomach,doesn't it?
Wasn't it the reason you made that CD for me, Ma?
So you could try to justify the way you treated me, Ma?
But guess what, yer gettin' older now and it's cold when your lonely.
An' Nathan's getting' up so quick, he's gonna know that your phoney.
And Hailie's getting' so big now, you should see her, she's beautiful.
But you'll never see her, she won't even be at your funeral.
See what hurts me the most is you won't admit you were wrong.
Bitch, do ya song.
Keep tellin' yourself that you were a mom.
But how dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get.
You selfish bitch, I hope you fuckin' burn in hell for this shit.
Remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me?
Well, guess what, I am dead.
Dead to you as can be.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart, and you know you were their armour
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her
But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?
And everything you stand for, turns on you, despite you?
What happens when you become the main source of her pain?
"Daddy look what I made", Dad's gotta go catch a plane
"Daddy where's Mommy? I can't find Mommy where is she?"
I don't know go play Hailie, baby, your Daddy's busy, Daddy's writing a song, this song ain't gonna write itself
I'll give you one underdog then you gotta swing by yourself
Then turn right around in that song and tell her you love her
And put hands on her mother, who's a spitting image of her
That's Slim Shady, yeah baby, Slim Shady's crazy
Shady made me, but tonight Shady's rocka-by-baby

And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn rejoice
Every time you hear the sound of my voice, just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain, just smile back

I keep having this dream, I'm pushing Hailie on the swing
She keeps screaming, she don't want me to sing
"You're making Mommy cry, why? Why is Mommy crying?"
Baby, Daddy ain't leaving no more,
"Daddy you're lying"
You always say that, you always say this is the last time
"But you ain't leaving no more, Daddy you're mine"
She's piling boxes in front of the door trying to block it
"Daddy please, Daddy don't leave, Daddy - no stop it!"
Goes in her pocket, pulls out a tiny necklace locket
It's got a picture, "this'll keep you safe Daddy, take it with you'"
I look up, it's just me standing in the mirror
These fuckin' walls must be talking, cuz man I can hear them
They're saying "You've got one more chance to do right" - and it's tonight
Now go out there and show that you love 'em before it's too late
And just as I go to walk out of my bedroom door
It's turns to a stage, they're gone, and this spotlight is on
And I'm singing...

Sixty thousand people, all jumping out their seat
The curtain closes, they're throwing roses at my feet
I take a bow and thank you all for coming out
They're screaming so loud, I take one last look at the crowd
I glance down, I don't believe what I'm seeing
"Daddy it's me, help Mommy, her wrists are bleeding,"
But baby we're in Sweden, how did you get to Sweden?
"I followed you Daddy, you told me that you weren't leavin'
"You lied to me Dad, and now you make Mommy sad"
And I bought you this coin, it says 'Number One Dad'"
That's all I wanted, I just want to give you this coin"
I get the point - fine, me and Mommy are going"
But baby wait,
"it's too late Dad, you made the choice"
Now go out there and show 'em that you love 'em more than us"
That's what they want, they want you Marshall, they keep screamin' your name
It's no wonder you can't go to sleep, just take another pill
Yeah, I bet you you will.
You rap about it, yeah, word, k-keep it real
I hear applause, all this time I couldn't see
How could it be, that the curtain is closing on me
I turn around, find a gun on the ground, cock it
Put it to my brain and scream "die Shady" and pop it
The sky darkens, my life flashes, the plane that I was supposed to be on crashes and burns to ashes
That's when I wake up, alarm clock's ringin', there's birds singin'
It's Spring and Hailie's outside swinging,
I walk right up to Kim and kiss her
Tell her I miss her,
Hailie just smiles and winks at her little sister
Almost as if to say..

------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now
But hey, what daddy always tell you?
Straighten up little soldier
Stiffen up that upper lip
What you cryin' about?
You got me.

Hailie, I know u miss ur mom
And I know u miss ur dad when I’m gone
But I’m tryin' to give u the life that I never had
I can see you're sad
Even when you smile
Even when you laugh
I can see it in ur eyes
Deep inside you wanna cry
Cuz you're scared
I ain’t there,
Daddy’s with you in your prayers
No more cryin'
Wipe them tears
Daddy’s here
No more nightmares
We gonna pull together through it
We gonna do it
Lainie's uncle’s crazy ain’t he,yeah
But he loves you girl and you better know it
We’re all we got in this world
When it spins
When it swirls
When it whirls
When it twirls
Two little beautiful girls
Lookin' puzzled, in a daze
I know it’s confusing you
Daddy’s always on the move
Mama’s always on the news
I try to keep you sheltered from it
But somehow it seems, the harder that I try to do that
The more it backfires on me
All the things, growin' up
As daddy, daddy had to see
Daddy don’t want you to see
But you see just as much as he did
We did not plan it to be this way,Your mother and me
But things have got so bad between us
I don’t see us ever being
Together ever again
Like we used to be like when we was teenagers
But then of course
Everything always happen for a reason
I guess it was never meant to be
But it’s just something
We have no control over
And that’s what destiny is
But no more worries
Rest ur head and go to sleep
Maybe one day we’ll wake up
And this will all just be a dream

Now hush little baby don’t u cry
Everything's gonna be all right
Stiffin' that upper lip up little lady I told ya
Daddy’s here to hold ya through the night
I know mommy’s not here right now and we don’t know why
We fear how we feel inside, it may seem a little crazy
Pretty baby but I promise, Mama’s gon' be alright

It’s funny,
I remember back one year when daddy had no money
Mommy wrapped the Christmas presents up
And stuck 'em under the tree
And said some of 'em were from me,
Cuz daddy couldn’t buy ‘emI’ll never forget that Christmas
I sat up the whole night crying
cuz daddy felt like a bum,See daddy had a job
But his job Was to keep the food on the table for you and mom
And at the time every house that we lived in either kept getting broken into and robbed or shot up on the block
And your mom, was saving money for you in a jar
Try da to start a piggy bank for you
So you could go to college
Almost had a thousand dollars
Till someone broke in and stole it
And I know it hurt so bad it broke your mamma’s heart
And it seemed like everything was just starting to fall apart
Mom and dad was arguing a lot
So mama moved back on to Chalmers in a flatOne bedroom apartment
And dad moved back to the other side of 8 mile on Novara
And that’s when daddy went to California with his CDAnd met Dr. Dre and flew you and Mama out to see me,
But daddy had to work, you and mama had to leave me,
Then you started seeing daddy on the TV
And mama didn’t like it
And you and Lainnie were too young to understand
Papa was a rollin stone, mama developed a habit
And it all happened too fast for either one of us to grab it
I’m just sorry you were there and had to witness it firsthand
Cuz all I ever wanted to do was just make you proud
Now I’m sittin’ in this empty house,
Just reminiscing
Looking at your baby pictures it just tricks me out
To see how much you both have grown it’s almost like you're sisters now
Wow, guess you pretty much are and daddy’s still here
Lainnie I’m talking to you too daddy’s still here
I like the sound of that, yeah
It’s got a ring to it don’t it
Shhh, mama’s only gone for the moment

And if you ask me to, daddy’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Ima' give you the world,
Ima' buy a diamond ring for you,
Ima sing for you,
I’ll do anything for u to see u smile
And if that Mocking Bird don’t sing and that ring don’t shine
I’ma break that birdie’s neck,
I’ll go back to the Jeweler Who sold it to ya
And make him eat every carat
Don’t fuck with dad.

--------------------------------------------------------------

i love eminem,
because he's always so goddamn honest and straight to the point with what he feels.

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted-One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

and recently ive found my new-found pasttime

which is to sit down in a quiet corner of the coffee bean at paragon,
sipping my one and only loved espresso,
and just plain people-watch.

and preferably with my shades on so no one can recognise me.
because for some strange reason i dont like to acknowledge people i know when you're chilling out with just yourself.

sitting down there at that quiet corner people-watching somehow makes me think alot,
of strange things that i never once thought of before.

one of the strange things is when i try to figure myself out,
why is it that i like to order a single espresso and put in two sachets of sugar?

not many people like to drink espresso the way that i do,
my baby came a while later and upon taking a sip of my cup she made a face and look like she's gonna bleach anytime soon, "why is it so goddamn sweet?!"

and the more i sit there alone and sip my espresso bit by bit,
i realise the reason why.

its because i like the way how espresso is so bitter and yet when i put in two sachets of sugar it brings out a tinge of sweetness and at the same time, bitterness.

up till today i still dont know why whenever i head towards a coffee place,
i always only order single espresso and put in two sachets of sugar.
and i really dont know why i like it that way, i just do.

so sitting down there alone with the cup at one hand,
choosing songs on my ipod at the other hand,
and looking at the whole world revolve around me beneath those shades of mine has became my new past-time.

so dearest baby, i dont blame you at all for making me wait for you on that wednesday afternoon. (:

and i guess its just me,
the way i like to percieve things.

just like how i tore open the packet of kinder bueno among the huge bag of many many tidbits my girl bought for me,
i thought about how much i love to eat kinder surprise.

the fact that the kinder surprise chocolate itself isnt really that fantastic just shows that my desire for kinder surprises are the different different toys inside.

i look up at my transparent cupboard and i caught sight of the two long rows of kinder surprise toys i collected over the years and i start to think about it.

its been months since i last ate kinder surprise,
and i start to remember that feeling,
the same old feeling i always feel whenever i crack open a chocolate egg and take out the toy inside,
eager to see what sort of toy i got this time round.

i love the way surprises works,
the feeling of anticipation and eagerness,
the amazement of how high opening and discovering a surprise could make you.

but the only problem with kinder surprise,
is the way you open up so many boxes of them,
and soon you start to think to yourself that you're still gonna get back the same old toys you used to,
or you'll never find some cute one that you'll like.
and everytime i open a new box,
it never fails to make me dissappointed by the way i got another replica of the same old one i already have,
or a new one that looks just terrible.

and i look up at that two rows of kinder toys i have,
and i realise how i have replicas here and there,
and then i start to think,
maybe its because sometimes we put too much hope in things that it doesnt turn out the way you want or expect it to,
the dissappointment you face will be so much bigger.
because you brought yourself so high up into the air thinking things will just turn out fine,
and then you fall straight to the ground,
dusting dirt off yourself while laughing at yourself for expecting and putting in too much hope.

and then i start to think of another thing,
about the famous forest grump line,
"life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you'll get."

but then i think again,
why wont you know what you'll get?

you bought that box of chocolates,
its written on the cover,
its written at the bottom of the box,
its written all over what you're going to get.

so why wont you know?

it's because most of the time most of us here turn a blind eye to what we should have seen,
whether accidently or intentionally.

accidently in the sense that we're blinded by other factors,
and we stepped into trouble without knowing what the next step would be.

just like hotspur in king henry IV part I by william shakespeare,
he couldnt see through his uncle's (worcester) evil intentions,
and he unknowingly let worcester manipulate him.
using the fact that hotspur is rash and reckless,
worcester provoked his anger for the king,
and let him misunderstood that the king refused peace,
and the next thing you know we see prince hal,
the smart one killing hotspur in a battle,
in a bat of an eyelash.

was hotspur plain stupid?
or is worcester to be blamed for hotspur's entire downfall?

worcester is to be blamed for hotspur's downfall,
but hotspur has to be blamed for most his own death.

he stepped right in,
knowing that he should check everything twice before believing what the uncle says.
just like my last post,
"learn that not everyone can be trusted, no matter how sweet or nice they look."

he was unable to see through his uncle's evil intentions,
never once looking through all that misty cover and what the cover of the chocolate box actually says.

but if he looked carefully at that chocolate box forest grump gave him,
and on it says "POISONOUS" in bold and red ink,
would he still open up the box and taste one of those chocolates?

but sometimes though,
we intentionally turn a blind eye to everything that's infront of us.

we know that would happen,
many people around have been saying that the chocolate box is poisonous,
because they can see it from a third party view.
and if we sit down and think carefully,
slowly uncovering all the misty clouds infront of our eyes,
and we realise that the box says "POISONOUS" in bold and red ink,
would we still open up the box and taste those chocolates?

or are we still going to sit down there and step right into the mess,
spend days moaning and groaning about the shit that is happening,
all the while knowing that the box says "POISONOUS" and ignoring people's advices?

in life, you can learn a few things

first, is not to backstab and betray people that you shouldnt,
second, is to learn that the first thing you should do is to save yourself,
third, is to know well your own limits,
and lastly, learn that not everyone in this world can be trusted, no matter how sweet they look.

it's quite a sad thing that i only learnt all this now.

out of a sudden i decided to go to friendster after so many months of not visiting it.
and then i found this testimonial given to me by a person who means so much to me.
and im gonna publish it here because its the most beautiful thing she has ever said to me.

MANPIN Posted 12/8/2006
i'm not trying to be disgusting or gross and this will be the first and last time to let you see this side of me. hahaha.

i love you, girl.
and yes, for everything that you have done and the times when you speak to me over the phone whenever i'm high, down or whatsoever shit.
this is going to sound wrong but you are always there when i needed you, as in, you know, when i needed someone to talk to, to cry to, to rant to.
funny as it seems, we are not the bestest of friends because we have our own hmmm, best friends. haha.
however, putting those aside, i will definitely say that you're like my 2nd best friend lah. hahaha, honoured ? for sure, you are.

all right, mushy stuff aside.
i know you love recieving my messages and you'll always anticipate for more yeah ? AHAHA, this part is fucked up but who cares a shit !

with much love,
your one & only bullshit partner.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

at that point of time i couldnt do anything except try to not cry,
and i just kept re-reading the testimonial over and over again.

when i saw the "i'm not trying to be disgusting or gross and this will be the first and last time to let you see this side of me. hahaha."
i was thinking to myself,
"aiya this girl, which side of her have i never seen before?"

and then i read on and i saw "i love you, girl." and the rest of the mushy things that follows,
i just choked,
on both saliva and tears

and then i thought to myself again,
"THIS is the one and only side of manpin that she has never shown to me before."

and somehow at that point of time,
everything we've been through since sec three started flashing through my mind.

the times when i added her on msn messenger and so we started talking on,
and then at the end of sec two we realise we got into the same class and so we're like "okay at least we have each other" and so we sat together, starting talking, and the next thing you know we started going recess together.

and as days go on and on,
we got closer,
and we eventually confided in each other about the problems we face.

somehow we both just could relate to one another,
and we'd listen, we'll cry, we'll laugh and we'll curse.

the times where we'll just sit down and talk,
or the times where we'll talk about our problems until we cry,
or the times where we'll just plain laugh our days away.
and not forgetting the times we sit down together and just get angry and curse at the irritants that we dislike.

and of cos ill never forget the times i tried to give her a hug and she's like "eww don't be so lesbiany"
and the times when i tell her "i love you friend"
and she's like "wah you're damn mushy / lesbiany / smth along the same lines"

and all these little little things that slowly bond us closer together just flash past my mind as i read through that testimonial over and over again.

and i only have just one thing to say,
something that once i say i'll never ever take it back again.

my dearest bullshit partner manpin,
thank you for all the times you put up with all my shit,
the times you listen through my problems although it seems as though its never-ending,
the times you stood up for me and stand by my side when shit friends do shit things to me,
the times you gave me advices when i needed them,
the times you scolded me because i refuse to eat,
the times we talk on the phone like there's everything in the world to talk about,
the times we cried together,
the times we scream and curse together,
the times we laughed as though we couldnt laugh anymore,
and the many many times we spent together.

and i give you my word that i'll be there for you until the end of time.

i love you,
always did and still do.

i swear i don't know why i'm in here because i have nothing to say.

well life has been pretty mundane and boring,
barely coping with my studies but hey,
since when was i ever able to manage my studies properly.

only recent highlight was the purchase of my prom night gown,
and haha i feel so good.
i finally found something that ive been looking for a very long time,
something contemporary and against the typical "daniel yam" gown sort of fashion.
haha its not too early okay,
most of the people around have already bought it.

its the right time because according to rachel,
might as well buy early and you don't have to care about gown searching anymore,
(meaning i can spend my remaining time studying for the damned os)
and according to manpin,
we have exactly 12 days after olevels to our prom night,
and 12 days is too short to find a gown yeah?
considering the fact that the 12 days needs to be spent on:

1) finding the right make up store to do your makeup
2) finding the right hair-do to match your gown
3) sleeping your days away because you've probably exhausts all the brands chicken essence/ ginseng teas / espressos and most importantly your sleeping time while studying for olevels
4) going out with your girlfriend and friends and CHIONGGGGG AHHHHHHH!!!!!!
5) catch up on all the damned tv you missed, just imagine, "oh my god he's gotten married with that bitch for the entire time i was too busy to watch!!" and followed by long sappy weeping korean serials everynight
6) spending your time trying to get a part time job because while playing you exhausted all your financial funds or you're saving up for a big project. (eg, overseas trip and etc)
7) busy writing notes to your friends whom you know you'll cry your eyes out during prom night for cos you miss them so badly
8) charging your camera because you know you'll still want memories with them
9) basically going out everyday of your life doing things you love because olevels over = freedom
10) and lastly, catching up on your sleep again because you exhausted yourself while you over stretched your new found freedom

and with so many things in hand to do,
how are you supposed to still quiet your heart down and find THAT perfect gown?

haha so much shit has happened in my life and my blog is just stagnant.

just a brief summary of what happened recently!

i went to a specialist to check my intestines cos they've been hurting rather badly,
and so after numerous blood tests, urine tests, stool tests, CT Scan (X-ray), and lastly a horrible colonoscopy (often said as "scope"),
and so the results are out and,
NO don't be ridiculous i do NOT have stomach cancer (hope you get what i mean)
its just that my intestines kinda twisted so they went into spasm and thats why it hurts and my intestines are inflammed (some bacteria infection) and so i am fine and still alive and kicking!

thanks everyone who messaged me and all to ask if im fine. (:

and yeah loads of things happened between me and my girlfriend,
but im glad we tide through that and we're much closer now than we ever used to be. (:

and i can only thank my love for the chance that she's given me,
and im sorry for all that i put you through.

i love you with all my heart and soul baby,
thanks for everything, really. (:

had the cute little one staying over at my place almost everyday since then,
and i must say ive been basking in bliss.
and somehow i just can't get enough of her. (:

the only thing is i haven't really accomplished much work haha,
sometimes i seriously wonder how i ever tide through the numerous tests and mock papers that we have every single school day.

baby's exams going on now and seeing her working so hard just makes me want to work harder too. (:

on a lighter note,
here's a song for my love

No, I can't forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that's just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
Yes, it shows

No I can't forget tomorrow
When I think of all my sorrow
When I had you there but then I let you go
And now its only fair that I should let you know
What you should know

I can't live if living is without you
I can't give, I can't give anymore
Can't live if living is without you
Can't give, I can't give anymore

Without You - Air Supply